The Date (regurgitated from another blog)

Just to preface, I wrote this in February and posted it on another blog. Thought you may find it humourous so I'm doing a repost. If it's old news to some, I apologize!

22/02/04 2:33 AM

The Date

Dating as an adult certainly differs from those teen dates that we all endured. I’m not sure what the game plan is anymore. I should be used to it by now, considering that I’ve been on my own for 11 years.

When I was a young teenager, I never really knew what that "only thing was" that guys wanted. I heard that so many times from my mother, but she neglected to tell me in plain english what IT was. So I naively went out on date after date, falling in love only to be dumped usually around the three month mark. I now understand why that was. A man can only take so much and then he is going to move onto greener pastures right? Or at the very least to a pasture that yields to his desires more easily.

In spite of my naiveté, I did fall in love at 16 and married him when I was 18. We remained married for 14 years, most of which were miserable, but that’s another story. I was reluctant to re-enter the dating world. How could I? I didn’t know the rules anymore and besides, those rules are certainly different after childbirth. I’m not that naïve virgin anymore, I do know what men want, and they know that I know. It creates a whole new set of problems.

The majority of women in my age group, that are single and dating or married and living vicariously through the single and dating, are divided on the best course to follow. Half are devout believer’s in saving the sex until much later, and the other half are of the belief that it is better to find out at the get go if you are compatible rather than wasting precious time on someone that isn’t. Let’s face it, most of us feel that we have already probably wasted the better half of our life with someone that was not compatible.

So I toss between one belief to the other. Never sure if I’m doing the right thing. Always believing when a ‘potential’ new relationship ends before it starts that I must have made the wrong choice.

I remember hearing a relationship specialist on a radio talk show one day say that when you meet someone new, if you are capable of really listening to what is said, rather than being distracted by your own thoughts while they are speaking, you can learn all that you need to know about them in about 5 minutes.

That seems a little extreme to me, but I decided that I would try this out while I ventured out on yet another first date last night.

The way we met was pretty unique. Seemed to me to be an obvious signal that this could be something special. I was shopping at Dominion and the man in the checkout in front of me, made a point of speaking to me and then once outside, introduced himself, gave me his business card and asked me to call him. Oh yeah, and mentioned how attractive he found me.

I called, and from there plans were made to go out to dinner on Friday night. He called when he got to my end of the city and was parked in the parking lot where we met. We still had not decided exactly where we would go but I was pretty confident of a restaurant I enjoy, Snug Harbour. I drove to the parking lot and from there he joined me in my car. I was originally going to get him to follow me in his vehicle but I decided that driving together would give more time for conversation and interviewing so I offered to drive there and he accepted.

It started out very nicely. He had bought me a small bouquet of flowers. Nice touch. He was dressed sharply and smelled nice. We had no trouble conversing with one another and before I knew it we were at the restaurant.

I kept reminding myself not to get distracted by him but to pay attention to everything, the smallest of details so that I could analyse the data later and make a rational decision about whether there would be a date number two.

First small flag to me was when he objected to where the hostess had seated us. It was at a small table in close proximity to the bar. He was vehemently opposed to sitting near the bar and the way he said it made me think that he was a non drinker. I had already planned to have a glass of wine with my meal prior to this, so I wasn’t quite sure what to do after we were seated at our new table, situated as far from the offending ‘bar’ as possible.

I started out by asking him outright if he drinks. "Yes, only red wine though. What do you drink?" "I like red wine too, and white and other things." He wanted to know what other things, so along with beer, and rum, I mentioned vodka. The waitress comes along to see if we would like to order a drink and he perused the wine list. I wasn’t sure if the prices were unattractive or not but he decided that he didn’t like any of the wines on the list and he ordered a vodka on the rocks. (flag) Confused again, I decided to get ice water until I had time to think about what I really wanted.

When our meals came (both Louisiana Catfish), I ordered a glass of red wine. He ordered the same kind shortly after and then another. (flag)

We had great conversation and I cannot remember it all in detail but he did speak often about the differences between men and women in relationships. Men are rational and think with their brains whereas women are emotional and rule by their hearts or feelings. I could not disagree but of course I was wondering why he was telling me this and another flag went up.

I decided to delve into his past. I asked if we was married. No, he wasn’t and had never been married. He seemed a little proud of that statement. (flag). He talked a little about how difficult it is dating. Meeting lots of ‘empty’ people and the fact that all of his sister’s marriages seem loveless, so he decided he didn’t want that.

He continued to talk about the male/female thing for quite some time and his preferences or more so, his dislikes. I found out that he doesn’t like women who hang out at bars. He loves to dance and will dance with women at bars but that’s it, he would never date one. (flag) I told him that I used to generalise like that all the time too until one day I realised that I am one of those ‘all right’ people that occasionally frequents a bar. I wouldn’t like it if people looked at me that way.

I was telling him about a funny thing I heard on the radio the other morning and I asked him if he listened to Q107 (a local, classic rock station). He said no he listens to another station (I forget the name, but a much more subdued one) and then he suggested that perhaps I shouldn’t listen to Q107 because it’s more for young people. (flag) I quickly told him that I quite like it and that I do not consider myself, nor feel like an old person. He then agreed that I appear much younger than my age. By the way, he is only 2 years older than me.

It also became quite apparent that he did not approve of a sexually promiscuous woman. Although, he did mention a couple of times that it is more accepted for a man to behave that way. (flag). Don’t get me wrong here when I mention flags. It doesn’t necessarily mean a bad thing, just something that needs to be looked at a little closer.

I relaxed somewhat after he revealed that he was not the type of guy that is only after sex. He feels very strongly that a person should really know their partner before they become intimate. Whew, no pressures here.

He was very attentive throughout the evening, mentioning every now and again about how pretty I am, how I have beautiful eyes and a face full of expression. He told me a story of being at a friends for dinner and how there just happened to be an extra Filipino girl there. She was sitting beside him and made a comment that he must be gay because he wasn’t coming onto her. He quickly told her that if she was the only person left in the world then he would most certainly be gay, because he did not like what he saw. (flag) He smiled at me, touched my hand and said, but don’t you worry, you are good.

He mentioned more than once how great the meal was, how wonderful the conversation was and overall what a great time he had. He told me that I am a wonderful, good person. I wondered why it is that I am alone, if I am so wonderful. Or why it is that men never stay with wonderful me. I’ve been told that the reason is because I always fall for the wrong type of guy.

The evening ended quickly, or so it felt, but we had been dining for over two hours when he asked for the check.

The waitress brought it and he complimented her on her wonderful service. After she walked away, he examined the check thoroughly (flag). I offered to split the bill. He quickly declined my offer. That was a nice and welcome surprise. He said that he just likes to make sure that it is correctly tallied, and it wasn’t the amount that had him staring at it for so long. I of course, am thinking to myself that this is the reason why I am always broke…I never study the checks long enough.

Finally the cash finds it’s way out of his wallet and onto the little tray and we leave. He helps me on with my coat and we are outside in the cold winter air once again. It’s a miserable, rainy, snowy night. I mention probably for the tenth time that I hate the winter and he agrees.

We get to the car and I unlock his door, turn around and all of a sudden his arms are around me and he is kissing me very intensely (flag).

I pull away, not really forcefully or indignantly but purposefully and I walk over to my side of the car and get in. I drive back to the parking lot where I picked him up and he kisses me once more before he gets out. He mentions that I should try to kiss him with some fire…and kisses me once more. I am unable to muster up any fire at all, because I am totally confused. I thought he was looking for a virginal, conservative person that he could get to know slowly before he tested the fire. Now I’m not sure what the whole point of that conversation was. Was it to see what my reaction was?

He gets out, walks towards his van and I realise he is talking to me, so I open my window and he leans in for yet another kiss. He then asks me if I will have my cell phone turned on, on Sat and Sun. I say yes, and he said he will call me on Sunday. I tell him that I am going to go to Cambridge to get my computer fixed and he again answers me with ‘I’ll call you on Sunday.’ (flag)

Now I’m thinking about the whole evening and really trying to focus on those flags to figure out what they mean to me. When I was actually in the date, the flags were not huge, just tiny little ones popping up every now and again. For the most part, I was thoroughly enjoying myself. It was fun to be out with a man, having dinner, talking, and listening to music (small band was playing). I am attracted to him. He is quite handsome and sometimes that can get in the way of ‘rational’ thinking.

It’s much easier the next day when you are alone. This is what I have come up with. I think he is someone that fears commitment, wants a virgin that will jump into bed with him, is very stubborn, frugal, not totally honest, either on purpose or he isn’t honest with himself either and a male chauvinist with a tendency to be controlling.

What do I want? I want someone that can and will treat me with respect, view me as an intelligent equal and has a desire to get to know everything they can about me. I do not want another meaningless relationship where I feel like an afterthought. Do I think he is the one? No, I don’t. Will I go out with him again? Maybe, just to tell him that I don’t think we are after the same thing or perhaps he won’t bother to call and I won’t have to say a thing. And so the dating story goes round and round and I’m getting dizzy by it all.