Online dating is a precarious thing at the best of times and I'm not sure if anyone has ever figured out all the little kinks and anomolies associated with it. It is sort of unchartered territory if you consider that the whole internet experience is changing the way we socialize.
I've tried it before and in spite of hearing about those truly inspiring stories where people actually do meet their soulmate, I've been left with a few niggling questions that I do not have the answers to, such as:
a) How many contacts should you consider/date at once? If you have numerous people trying to make a connection to you, should you give everyone a little of your attention at the same time? This can become confusing, trying to keep everyone's Nic's and personal information straight. Should you be up front and tell the person that you are currently considering applications from x number of people for the position of lover/life partner/one night stand (whatever it happens to be that you are seeking)?
b) How long should you communicate online before moving to the next level - the in person meeting?
c) What is the proper course of action when the person you have been communicating with just stops corresponding and literally drops off the edge of cyber land prior to actually meeting, or worse, makes a date with you and stands you up? How do you stop yourself from becoming jaded about the whole process?
d) Should you engage in discussion of a sexual nature prior to the actual real life meeting or would you just be setting yourself or them up for disappointment?
e) If you do communicate online for a long time, prior to the in person meeting, how do you stop from making a fantasy in your mind about what the person really looks and acts like? Pictures are not always a guarantee of someone's physical attributes. They can either render a negative or postive likeness and you really never know before seeing the other person face to face. Besides a picture will never portray some otherwise irritating idiosyncrasies that person may possess. Also a person can appear more attractive in real life when you take into account all of their attributes, the way they talk, walk, confidence, smile etc.
f) Is that first real life meeting just that? A meeting or is it a date? If you did engage in sexual conversation through email/chat, are you going to feel pressured to jump from the cup of coffee into bed on the first date? Have you jumped ahead to a place that perhaps emotionally you aren't really prepared to be?
g) If you do enter into a physical relationship quickly with this person, how do you know that you aren't just another conquest from a long, long list of "have done's" and "yet to do's"? The whole online experience is providing sex in a variety of forms to those that want it, and quite easily. There are websites designed for sexual encounters exclusively and preferably for attached people, male or female such as ashley maddison. But I think that men must feel at times as if they have just walked into a sexual candy store by the sheer availability of women online that are willing to meet and shag, foregoing all previously followed mating rituals that people practiced prior to the internet, such as going on dates for a period of time and starting out slowly and sometimes not ever getting to home base. I'm surprised that prostitutes haven't converged on Parliament Hill to protest the internet. Their business surely has to be suffering. Why would a man pay a prostitute when he could go online, meet up with someone, buy her a coffee or get her to buy him one and then go screw?
h) Let's just say, you have met the person, you've figured out all the wrinkles above and you have progressed to the point of becoming "monogamous" with each other. Maybe even living together. Would you feel threatened when you see your partner online passing the time away? Would you think that perhaps they were initiating a relationship with someone new?
These are the reasons why I'm not convinced on the merits of online dating. Have you had any negative/positive experiences that you would like to share?
7 comments:
First let me say: great blog!
I have dated someone I met online, although it was because he discovered my blog rather than an online dating service. Yes, it has and continues to be a wonderful experience. However, I have heard horror stories. I think it can go either way, just as meeting anyone in any other manner.
Bloody hell - as if it wasn't complicated enough before the Internet. I must lead a sheltered life!
I arrived where I am via a blind date, set up by mutual friends. At least there, the safety element is in place. I get very nervous when I read about online dating, especially when you consider how many idiots there are out there. I have a friend who constantly bemoans his lot at the difficulty of dating post 35 and yet, whilst active online, he has never attempted a date via the web.
V. interesting post - also when you consider the change in the dynamic, women can take a lead rather than waiting for a fella to make the first move.
You infer that men don't need to go to a prostitute because there are many ladies just waiting for a ping. I am not sure that it is that easy. A prostitute is a no strings attached shag, no contact details exchanged, etc. Online, there is an element of self-revelation and there is always, if you try hard enough, a paper trail. I am not sure if I were not in a relationship and that desperate for a shag that I wouldn't prefer a prostitute to a cyber stranger. *glad I am not on the horns of this particular dilemma*
Great topic for the next dinner party, I wonder how I'll bring this one up? ;-)
Huwge
Welcome Michelle and I'm glad you enjoyed the post. You are very lucky to have found someone that way! Congrats!
Huwge - Ha! I think this would be a great topic at a dinner party and I would love to see the reaction that you get. It would be interesting to see if anyone you know has actually attempted this medium for meeting someone. Although, it sounds to me like your friends have all been happily married a long time, so maybe they are lucky enough not to have had the opportunity.
Jack - Always careful! Yes we are having a relationship and a good one! I love that I am able to make all kinds of cyber friends through the internet. I'm just becoming cynical at the prospects of meeting Mr. Right through the online dating sites. I had a profile on one a few years ago and met some nice people and some real winners. The worst part about it is it seems to work on the feast or famine rule. If you have one contact, you probably get 10 at the same time and you have to go through the whole drill of getting to know someone. I grew tired of it and took my profile off, or so I thought. Apparently it was still there, or got reactivated somehow this year and just before Christmas I had a few contacts that ended up going nowhere. They either disappeared during the get to know you emails, or made plans with me for a meeting and then never called on the day of the date. I did receive an apology for that a few days later, but to me it was too late. The damage was already done and I've never heard from that guy again. I think he was going through the get to know you stage with several other women and probably stood me up to go out with someone else. That is fine, but the least he could have done was told me so. So I'm cynical and tired of the whole process. I would much rather meet someone that my friends know. At least that way you can get some past history.
Shelly - I guess my friends are split fairly evenly between coupled and un-coupled. The coupled seem to do reasonably well and the majority are unmarried, although there has been an alarming trend towards matrimony in those who have been together >10 years - the cynic in me says it's the tax break.
The uncoupled, in my circle, are fairly successful alpha males who in spite of their age seem to enjoy carrying on like their 21 year old alter egos - the difference being they can afford a decent meal rather than a curry / kebab these days. I think their work lives minimise their chances for long term success - they don't have time to date properly and there's always some totty impressed by their self-confidence and cash. My better half's single buddies are an altogether nicer bunch, but several have kids and I think many Men find this hard.
I guess you just have to keep plugging away and hope for a little luck. I almost didn't go on the blind date, because I was stressed and tired but I did. I was very lucky, so I think you shouldn't dismiss any option. My Canadian buddies met in a similar way, I think. Pester your buddies, get them to do the legwork. It worked for me ;-)
Huwge
Spot on post, Shelly. I've done the online dating thing and I honestly don't think it's any better or worse than meeting someone in real time. At least you have a chance to ask questions and get to know them on a more than superficial level, which rarely happens when you meet someone face to face, at least not initially. At this point, I'm doing the "leave it to Fate" dating method - if someone wanders into my life and likes what they see, great, and, if not, I'm happy as I am, so that's fine, too!
A friend of mine left his wife and went to the USA to be with his internet 'lover'...big mistake.
He's back now, penniless, and living in a bedsit.
Another friend had his internet lover come over from Washinton DC...they are now married and moving to Washington.
Denise - that is the one thing that I like about meeting someone online first, the part that I hate is going through all the bullshit just to find out that the guy isn't sincere. If I want to have a fling, I know where to find it and I don't see the point in wasting my time or his playing games. Especially, when I am being honest and up front about what it is that I am looking for.
Mick - Guess you win some and lose some eh? I haven't heard of too many relationships that have lasted when they begin with infidelity, whether online or in real life. I would think that the whole relationship would be starting on a very shaky trust foundation.
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