Transitions

This seems to be my theme right now. Not that I knew what was going on right away. It took an innocent comment by a friend to make me step back and take a look at my life from a different angle.

The comment, "it would be good for you, give you some purpose to your life" was in reference to my applying for an acting position within my department. It would be a temporary thing, from September to March and the only drawback would be working an afternoon shift. It’s to do the same position that I am doing now on an acting basis, but my current assignment is going to end in November. So it would give me the opportunity to possibly remain at this pay level for a longer period of time, gain more experience and help to increase my pension level for that day down the road when I finally retire.

It pissed me off. How dare he insinuate that my life had no purpose. Just because my daughter is 20 compared to his 6 year old son, doesn’t mean that I do not have a purpose. So I thought about it. What else would he think. I’m not tied down to a daily obligation of making sure she is picked up from school, driving her here and there and making sure she is looked after properly in the evenings when I’m not there etc. The only thing that I have to worry about is whether or not there is food in the refridgerator and conditioner for her hair in the morning. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I don’t have a purpose anymore.

I don’t have a husband. He left 11 years ago, and still nobody has stepped up to take his place. Yes, I’ve had relationships but even the one that I thought was going to be forever and ever decided that he preferred screwing someone else, or a number of somebody else’s. My daughter is grown, independent and contributes financially to the household. She doesn’t require much intervention on my part. We’re more like roommates than mother and daughter.

My social life has dwindled as my friends have found new relationships to take up their time.

So what is my purpose? I’m not a wife, not even a girlfriend (but more on that later), hardly a mother, that leaves me with a title of nondescript government worker. Is that all I am? I’m the person who people love to hate. I work for the dreaded government. Oh they love to love me when it suits their needs. Can you tell me about my claim? Do you know when I’ll get my money? How do I apply etc.? I know that what I do is important. I appreciate that it does provide me with a good deal of satisfaction. I help people and that is a good fit for me.

I guess I just never stopped to realize that I was in the middle of a transition in my life and quite frankly I guess I’m not handling it as well as I thought.

I’m not needed anymore. I’m not the glue that holds the family together. I don’t have that husband that can't get out the door without me providing him with his clean clothes, the blades to his razor, the lunch box in his hand and a coffee in the other. I allowed that to be my purpose for so many years that I ignored other things.

When he left, my daughter (who was already, in reality more important than him), became my only purpose. I did a good job of raising her. She’s an intelligent, confident young woman with goals and motivation. I’m very proud. But now what?

The guy that made the comment was probably afraid that I was making him my purpose. He suffers from that ailment that inflicts most males, commitment phobia. He has nothing to worry about. I’ve been relatively happy with the casual arrangement that we have. The only thing lacking is that it always appears to be only one sided. It works when he is available and needs something and hardly ever the other way around.

I made the mistake of mentioning to him the possibility of my taking this job. If I’m successful at the competition it would mean working 2:30pm to 10:30pm Monday to Friday. He only seems to squeeze me in on the occasional weeknight when he doesn’t have his son. More and more the mother of his child is not able to look after him because her stripping job is so demanding. He steps up to take advantage of the extra time with his son. That is not a problem. I understand that completely and have never questioned the fact that his son does and should come first. When my husband left, I chose not to become involved with anyone because I didn’t have the energy to share myself with anyone other than my daughter. Or maybe I was just too emotionally drained by the demise of my 14 year marriage that I thought I couldn’t handle a relationship. In any event, I do understand that children are first.

He immediately assumed that I was asking his permission to take the job. I wasn’t, but after I said I was going to apply for it, I realized that if I was successful, that I would end up eliminating the one little amusement that I have. I decided to share the news with him, looking I suppose, for a flicker of sadness. That’s not what I got. It would seem that after 2 years of getting together on average, once a week that the thought of my not being available was not an issue. That hurt.

"I think you should take it. Go for it. Just think of all the stuff you could do in the morning before you have to go to work. For what we have, we could still manage to get together occasionally because I’m usually home around noon. I think it would be good for you, give you some purpose in your life."

That was it. That was what the past two years amounted to. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. It was never meant to amount to anything, but I am only human and over time, I have grown quite fond or attached to him. I marvel at how easily men seem to be able to stay detached. I always think that I am capable of this, but I’m not. I can’t stop my heart from feeling. It does this naturally. I can’t stop from nurturing, because I do that naturally as well. And when he needed that quality, he was very quick to call.

So it wasn’t just always about sex. I was there to listen to him as he worked through his problems, be it, the stripper mother of his child, or his work, or a traffic accident. It didn’t matter. I was there and I was the one he wanted. That made me feel good. I felt privileged that he would turn to me. It cemented in my mind that he does consider me a good friend. He has shared information with me that I’m sure some of his other friends don’t even know about.

"I think you should go for it…" without any hesitation. It was like he was jumping at the opportunity to end "our" thing. I felt foolish. I wanted to run away and hide as quickly as I could, because in that moment, it was like I was standing naked in front of a crowd of spectators at a sporting event or concert.

After a few awkward moments, I left. What more can be said, that he didn’t say in those few short sentences.

But those words have had me thinking about it ever since. Now I’m determined to figure out what my purpose is. Does anyone ever really know or feel like they know what their purpose is? Is this just a natural part of the transition that we go through when our children grow up and start to leave? Is this empty nest syndrome?

Those are some of the questions I’m left with. At least one thing is certain, I am in a transition and it’s up to me to decide which way to go. Nobody else really cares.