Rebel at Heart

I was inspired to write this after reading PPQ's latest post about an old boyfriend. The post is dated March 1, 2005, if you want to see what I am referring to.

She describes an unhealthy relationship she was in and how her friends pulled her aside and told her frankly that she should be evaluating the situation. She did and ended it.

It made me wonder if there is any reason why I do the opposite of what I either know is good for me, or do the opposite of what other's know is good for me.

The fellow she describes is very much like my ex husband. He was a very self absorbed, controlling, volatile individual and yet when I met him, in spite of a deep rooted fear of him, the strong attraction compelled me to ignore my own intuition and the fears of my friends and family, who tried to warn me.

I think part of that stems from my short relationship previously with a fabulous guy in high school, who wasn't part of the "in-crowd". My snotty friends, laughed at me so hard and questioned me at length about how I could be seen walking around with such a loser, that I told him that I didn't want to see him anymore. I was lying to him. Deep down I did want to see him again. I wanted to see a lot more of him, but I doubted my taste and followed what my peers were telling me.

He was a great guy. He has turned out to be very successful and a wonderful husband and provider for his wife and children. I certainly made a bad decision that day by listening to other people.

Perhaps that was why, years later, when my friends and family questioned my decision to marry Ex, that I dismissed their opinions as garbage and decided that I knew best and our love would conquer all.

It was such a concern, that I found out later, it had been the topic in one of the vehicles enroute to the reception, and that people were taking bets on how quickly it would end.

It should have ended within the first months of marriage, but because of my inability to admit they were right, I stuck it out for fourteen years, and consistently attempted to make my man happy.

In retrospect, I am surprised at my tenacity and determination. I'm also irritated by my inability to appreciate that people that truly love you, would not want to see you unhappy.

It wasn't all for naught. I have a beautiful daughter, who I wouldn't trade for anything. In addition, I formed great relationships with his parent's, brother, plus his aunts, uncles and cousins.