Dec. 7, 2004. 06:43 AM
This just in: It's December, and it's snowing
VINAY MENON
Quick, somebody call the army: It's snowing!
In a city that loves to complain about the weather, there was plenty to whine about yesterday morning as the steel-grey skies hurled tiny snowflakes at frightened citizens.
The Weather Network was on the case, offering round-the-clock updates and helpful suggestions. Driving is treacherous. Don't go outside unless you have to. Be patient. Be careful. For God's sakes, people, be careful out there!
Just before 9 a.m., snapshots of messy road conditions were relayed to viewers from highway cameras. Traffic was snarled. Accident reports flooded hotlines.
About an hour later, the Weather Network's Nadine Blayney ventured into The Storm for a live report.
"It's pretty windy, pretty cold, pretty snowy," she said, smiling with reassuring perkiness. "We'll head it back into the studio where, Helena, I think that you're much warmer than I am,"
"I think so, too," agreed colleague Helena DeVries. "I've got to tell you, though, you certainly look gorgeous with all those snowflakes surrounding you."
And so the first snowfall was met with the sort of jangled, breaking-news excitement usually reserved for pre-emptive wars, political assassinations and J.Lo sightings.
Setting up the national forecasts, DeVries threw it back to Blayney who — in 1 minute and 11 seconds — magically reappeared inside the station's Mississauga studio.
"Let's send it over to Nadine now, who made her way very quickly indoors," said DeVries, as conspiracy-minded viewers wondered if the Weather Network had cloned Nadine.
"I know Helena," Blayney replied, her breathing suspiciously normal. "I don't know if the cameras are picking this up, but my face is soaking wet."
Blayney pivoted toward a national map that offered some perspective. It was minus 18C in Calgary, minus 21C in Edmonton. No matter. This is Toronto, Centre of the Universe.
After some confusing talk about jet streams and Arctic moisture, viewers learned about conditions at Pearson airport.
The circa 1983 graphic detailed wind chill (minus 13C), dewpoint (minus 7C), ceiling (1,300 feet) and visibility (3.2 kilometres), as a gratingly upbeat elevator-track — think Gheorghe Zamfir on crystal meth — accompanied the data.
Then it was time for more breaking news.
"If you live in the Toronto area and you booked the day off work, congratulations," said DeVries. "You missed a traffic nightmare."
Cut to the nightmare footage, as hundreds of blurry headlights peered into the frigid haze like grounded owls.
Yesterday also marked the start of "Severe Winter Weather Awareness Week in Atlantic Canada." The designation set up a special report on the importance of wearing hats.
"Approximately, 30 per cent of the heat can be lost on your head," said Louis Dupuis, who works for the Moncton Fire Department. "So you should cover yourself properly when it's cold outside."
Thanks, Mr. Dupuis. Also, remember not to touch hot stoves or provoke sleeping grizzly bears.
Blayney must have caught the special report while throwing on her stylish overcoat. Minutes later, she was back outside wearing a black toque with spaghetti chin straps.
"I must say that being outside in the snow in sub-zero temperatures is much more fun when you have your hat and your mitts on," she enthused, before crouching down to test snowball-making conditions.
I suppose you could blame the Commonwealth. Like the British and Australians, Canadians are obsessed with their weather. In Toronto, the weather has become a cultural shorthand, a great unifier providing fodder for impromptu conversations as strangers politely interact and go about their business.
Talking about the weather means not having to talk about anything else.
The sweet woman who runs my neighbourhood convenience store uses meteorological observations, in broken English, to start every conversation. I could run in wearing a ski mask and brandishing a sawed-off shotgun and she would still say, "Today nice weather we have!"
The irony, of course, is that here in Toronto, where most of us work indoors in climate-controlled environments, the weather is almost entirely inconsequential.
Can you imagine if we lived in a region prone to hurricanes, tornadoes or floods? Forget the national army, which former mayor Mel Lastman famously summoned during a 1999 snowstorm, we'd need help from an international coalition of the (inclemently) willing.
Yesterday, the Weather Network issued a "Winter Outlook" news release. So what can Canadians expect in 2005?
"A pretty average winter for the most part, but a few areas of the country will deviate from normal, experiencing warmer, colder, drier or wetter than normal conditions."
Well, that narrows it down. But I guess the specifics don't matter when we're heading toward another winter of discontent.
.
No comments:
Post a Comment